Faster on My Own: Chapter 6
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Only ten blocks away from Vita-Tech, Ashwin walked into the grocery store basement. He liked to call meetings for the middle of the day sometimes because most people could still make it, and he felt that hearing the footsteps of the masses above them would remind each member of his collective who they were fighting for; perhaps they would imagine themselves at the fore of the stampede they heard above them, rushing to overturn an unjust world, and some days he felt tired and couldn’t muster the energy for a night time meeting– decisions were often made for multiple reasons– and some were worth communicating and others, not so much.
The first member of the collective present, he brushed dust off some boxes and shifted them to the side so there would be room for everyone. In time, his friends began to filter in. Each of them, despite some of their sour moods, was a delight to Ashwin because they all represented the incredible growth of the last few years, growth that he never imagined could occur just a few short years, growth that permitted him to envision a future in which the collective had 40, maybe 50 members or even offshoot groups. Cautioning himself not to get carried away, he waved to Caroline as she entered the door. Surliness wafted off of her like smoke, and anyone looking for a pleasant conversation would be better served elsewhere, but she reminded Ashwin of something that had been bothering him, so he stepped around a group of three who were having an animated discussion about denim jacket patches and approached her.
“Hello, Caroline. How are you?”
“Bad, but in the regular way. So, good.”
“Of course, of course. We are all doomed to be regular, most of the time. I wanted to ask you something. Do you know where Steven is? He’s never missed a meeting except for five times he had food poisoning and I’m concerned that his recent absences are quite long for that.”
“Ugh. I didn’t even want to tell you. It’s so stupid. Steven and I broke up.” She pulled her beanie over her eyes. Caroline always held herself at a remove and for the longest time, Ashwin wondered if it was her relationship with Steven (maybe some trouble there), but even in Steven’s absence, disclosing much of herself seemed to cause Caroline distress– sometimes Ashwin wondered if it was wise to allow relationships between members of the collective, given that sex and romance were often the levers which pried revolutionary efforts apart when a man assaults a woman, or a couple breaks up, people choose sides, and it all tumbles, as it should in those scenarios, which were best avoided, but then by forbidding romance or sex, even if everyone in the collective agrees, you create a hurdle in recruitment as well as the conditions for an even hotter secret affair. Ashwin, on the verge of becoming lost in thought, steered himself back into the conversation.
“I’m very sorry to hear that.”
“That’s not even the stupid part. Like, whatever we were always going to break up. You know how he is, a fun time until you let him on the lease. But it happened now because he reconnected with his family. He thinks he can use them to make the world worse, and then boom, revolution.”
“I see. That’s very stupid. He’s always been… rash. But that’s unlike him.”
“That’s where he is. He’s off doing that bullshit. Can you believe it?” Her teeth were clenched, her fist was clenched, her whole body seemed to desire to crush Steven with all of its strength and Ashwin wondered if even Caroline knew the depths of her anger, or if her body was hiding it from her; sometimes the body knows best what to tell the brain and what to leave aside, even if the tyrant within our skulls insists on knowing everything.
“I’m having some difficulties. Let me think about this for a moment, and I’ll address it during the meeting.” Ashwin retreated into a corner and sat down on one of the boxes to digest the fact that he had lost Steven: not the greatest tactician, nor the greatest leader, but with that passion, that dedication to the fight, Ashwin never expected to find himself Steven’s enemy, or vice-versa. Ashwin took a deep breath, held it in his stomach, and tried to will away the anger he felt at Steven’s foolishness. He slapped his hands on his knees a couple times, a quick percussive burst that drew a little attention followed by some silence that lost it. No more time to think about it. Enough people were present and the meeting had to begin. Jogging into the center of the room, Ashwin waved at everyone who had arrived.
“I’d like to start today with some bad news. It appears that Steven, in a preposterous scheme which I don’t fully understand, has abandoned us. Normally, that would be merely sad. But he’s gone reactionary. I’m assured that he has done so because he believes it will bring about the revolution, and I’m sorry to say that he is wrong. I’m sure there are more of you to whom the idea that you can speed up the revolution makes sense. I’m absolutely sure. But it won’t work, and people will suffer greatly for it. I hope he will realize the error of his ways. That’s all. It would’ve been wrong of me to keep this from you. On to regular business.” Ashwin detailed a list of actions they would be involved in during the coming month, but his mind drifted to Steven, who he hoped would return in short order, chastened and recommitted to seeking a justice the right way. But hope never got much done, and before long Ashwin’s thoughts turned toward action.